It happened again… For whatever reason, the interest died, and there was nothing I could do about it. Texts don’t get replied to for days at a time, calls never get returned, the flirtations disappear, and the enthusiasm in the voice drowns. I could get bitter. I could get angry, vengeful, spiteful, desperate, or sad. I choose none of the aforementioned. I choose peace.
Rejection is an experience we all hate to experience, but rejection is an experience we all have to experience. We are men. We are called to be the initiators of interest, dates, and romance. Although it is better to experience this failure on the front end of relationships, as I have, some have had to experience this in the midst of marriage or engagement. If I could encourage you today, I would encourage you to accept that rejection.
Rejection is not an opportunity to speak negatively of yourself. You are human, and ever evolving as you walk in life. There are always things you can work on. However, the value of you cannot come from the affections, desire, and words of someone else. Your value must be determined by your own view and, if anyone, God’s view. Rejection is an opportunity to reevaluate, nothing more. Did you chose the right person, were you the right person, or was there something that either of you did to make your relationship fail?
I am tired of men turning to violence when rejected by a woman. A woman is not property. A woman doesn’t belong to you. A woman does not have to choose you, no matter how nice you are. My friends tell me I’m one of the most genuinely good men they’ve ever met, and I’ve been rejected several times over. You do not threaten with violence, you do not call her out of her name, and you do not switch up because she did. You remain who you were in the beginning and you never let her change you for the worse. If she doesn’t want to accept you, then she is free to do so.
If God allows for atheism and false gods to be worshipped, who are you to get mad about a woman choosing another man? I’ve literally watched a woman I chose, choose another man who eventually put his hands on her, cheated on her, and made her a divorcee. Did I rejoice in her suffering? No. That is evil[1]. I simply prayed for her protection throughout and minded my business as hers spilled out into the “grapevine”[2].
I would encourage all men to take this approach. Never let rejection turn you into a monster. Let it go, man! Odds are, if you were righteous in your treatment of her, karma, or as I say, God’s judgment, will come. When you take matters into your own hands, you trade your honor as a man for dishonor as a scumbag.
Even if God decides she wasn’t evil in her treatment of you, do not seek revenge. Hold you loss with dignity. She didn’t want you! It’s not the end of the world! There are literally more women on this planet than men. Drop it and drop her!
I can’t tell you how many men continue to message themselves in a woman’s phone. I apply baseball’s three-strike rule in everything. I usually give a woman three missed messages. If she ignores me, I drop her. If she responds a day late three times, I delete the number. If she comes up with an excuse to not go out with me, I drop her. If she starts to switch up, I drop her. She made her choice, whether it be directly or indirectly. I am not obligated to continue fawning over her, no matter beautiful of a person she is. I’ll get over it, as I’ve done time and time again. Again, let it go!
You can ask any of my friends. I’d rather let it go than hang on. They say persistence is key, but I know who I am and who I am doesn’t require persistence. An intelligent, intuitive woman should be able to see my worth very early on. How do I know? Many have told me so, early on. Even still, my worth doesn’t have to be something she wants.
Rejection sucks. No one is arguing that. She’s beautiful and you’d really enjoy having her. No one is arguing that either. What I’m asking is for you to accept when rejection is handed to you. Do you know that not one single rejection has made me hate my life or hate myself? They have only inspired me to check who I am and how I approach. I need all of us men to employ the same strategy.
I’m tired of seeing one-sided text threads shared over the internet. I am tired of horror stories where men pulled out guns or poured acid on women because they were rejected. I am disgusted by the amount of men who think rape or force should be used to get what they want from a woman. I reiterate, if she don’t want you, leave! You are not so horrible a person that no one will want you. You just have to be more patient and stop trying to rush the process!
The ideals that men have of women are long overdue for a change. She can want exactly who you are, and not accept you. That should be fine. You shouldn’t want to find out why. Who cares!? All you need to know is that this one you want doesn’t want you. It’s tough to hear, but hear it, let her go, and find the one that does want you. Trust me, she’s out there. It is, in my humble opinion, pathetic to continue desiring a woman who wants nothing to do with you. I’ve only done it once, and that’s only because I believed God was telling me she was the one. The evidence presented told me I needed to recheck who I thought I was hearing because she wasn’t a God-send in the least of moments.
Rejection is an experience we all have to face. You are not alone. You don’t have to feel embarrassed or less of a man because you weren’t the chosen one. Trust, some of the ones you’ve wanted would’ve destroyed you. Count your blessings and move on. Every stomach of butterflies isn’t meant to transform into a relationship. Sometimes the butterflies have to remain butterflies that remain unfed and die.
Take your Ls with humility. There is nothing wrong with not being chosen. There is no need to continue trying to convince her to accept you. You shouldn’t have to do that. You’re desirable. Women aren’t evil because they reject men, even good ones. What’s evil is feeling like she was obligated to choose you. What’s evil is forcing her to choose you. What’s evil is thinking less of yourself because she didn’t choose you. Stop being evil. Be a man.
To my folks who were rejected while married or engaged, I pray you keep your head up. I pray you reevaluate every experience and only find ways to better yourself and encourage yourself. I pray you do not define yourself by rejection but rather seek the one that brings out the best in you. I pray for your elevation.
To my ladies, I apologize for how men have behaved in rejection. I apologize that you have to feel fear just for rejecting something as simple as a phone number. I apologize that we haven’t learned to control ourselves and express our feelings without violence or threats. I apologize that this post has to even be made.
We are all better than this. It’s beyond time to act like it. Rejection isn’t the end of life. It is not the end of love. It is a redirect. When God closes the door, it needed to be closed. Trust Him. Trust me, as I trust Him. Every opportunity does not have to be taken. Learn to live with no and no thank you. Please, do better by people. Please, do better by women.
Dario Augustus
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[1] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+24%3A17-18%2C+1+corinthians+13%3A4-6&version=NRSV [2] “I heard it through the grapevine.” It’s a saying, if you haven’t heard it before. Easy to look up.