Color: Pink, White, Black
Movies: Psychological Thrillers, Thrillers
NOT: Horror, Sci Fi
NOT: seafood!!!! She hates the smell
Drinks: Drinks anything.
Nothing too strong (scotch, whiskey).
If you’re wondering what this list above is, it’s a list I made for a woman I was dating two years ago. It consists of things she liked and disliked and even states some reasons why. I haven’t touched this list in over a year, and though I’m not dating her anymore, I held onto it to remind myself of the type of lover I am. It comes in handy for whenever I doubt my capability to love a woman. It reminds me that I am a great lover. Here are some other ways I remind myself I will be a great husband, for those of you who have ever doubted yourselves like I did.
Along with the list above, I have made two other lists with the categories: what I hope to do for her, what I hope she can deal with, what I need to stop, what I will hopefully never do, what I need from her, what I want from her, what I can put up with, what I hate, and deal breakers. I made these lists to make sure I never allow myself to cross or stay beneath my standards whether in how I act or how I am treated. Lists tend to set unrealistic expectations, which is why I won’t share the details of those lists. However, it does help remind myself I have standards, and standards are needed in love, regardless of how understanding you want to be.
People often think I’m looking for a perfect woman, and those lists would help them believe that, but that’s far from the truth. I’m looking for a woman who is perfect for me. Even at the end of those lists I have written:
I know this list will be hard to keep up with. I will not get full of myself if I’m upholding the standard. I will not criticize myself if I’m not.
I expect this list to mean nothing with the girl of my dreams. Just a list to remind myself of what I want, not a list to hold up to every woman and compare. Women are more unique than this list and the interactions even more unique. Simplified, the list is this: Thick, pretty, God-centered. God-centered should allow character, if not, she's not God-centered, or she can be held accountable.
To further my honesty, I haven’t looked at those lists in months. I am fully aware of how complicated life can get, which can nullify any and all expectations. The list at this top of this blog was created a day or so after my first date with the woman it pertains to. I wanted to remember everything she said. I wanted to know for a fact that I wouldn’t get anything wrong down the road or forget anything by accident. I went into that date fully expecting to convince her I was the man sent by God just for her. Unfortunately, I failed.
Failure is a needed experience in relationships. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you will fail the person you want to make the happiest. It’s not uncommon; it’s not horrible. It’s a part of life. This is why I keep those lists around. They help me remember that though I failed a few women in life (along with myself), my heart was, and is, capable of loving someone very dearly. My confidence dwindled after attending so many weddings that weren’t my own.
Though my confidence has had to face many uphill battles, I am reminded that it’s just disappointment and rejection trying to define me, and they are not who I am. Who I am is found in a bucket list of things I wish to do with my wife, which I just remembered, and haven’t opened in years. Who I am is found in my abstinence and unwillingness to buy a home. I’d rather she be my best sexual experience and that she have the decision on what our home looks like. I am and will be happy just being with her. Who I am is found in the novel, movies, and poems I’ve written about her. I’ve written well over 1,000 pages with her in mind. Who I am is found in the hopes declared on my Twitter page under this thread: https://twitter.com/NovelistDario/status/981503016011550720 or under this playlists on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0flpVMQOGg&list=PLz33kxE4uBfKRO9oDYoVir-ggyTOzIte6.
All of my decisions involve her, though she is not currently with me. I study the Bible to be her minister in both example and word. I learn about women from their 1a-4c hair to their periods, foundation, moisturizers, oils, razors, pads, cravings, desires, struggles, double standards, oppression, nurturing, emotions, voice, tone, and so much more. This way, I know, generally speaking, who it is I will love. I do not tend to treat women as play things. I learn from them always. I even jot down romantic ideas for her that I never thought to do.
Sometimes I’ll see a woman wearing a beautiful dress, and I’ll ask where it came from so I could know the dress type and size availability. In fact, I intended to get the true measurements of the woman of the list so I could eventually buy her clothing she’d like or I’d like to see her in. I imagined dropping off the outfit and telling her to put it on and be ready for a good night out.
Dreams always weigh heavy on my heart. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched proposal videos. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve rehearsed and planned my own proposal night. Should it be a serious conversation and the presentation of a ring? Should it be at a family gathering, with the ring hidden inside her dessert? Should I make a film about running to her, through all my demons, to propose? Should I do a dance routine? Should I go public or private? Should I have strangers in attendance or close friends? Should it be a whole day of events where at different times she’d receive lines written on little papers tied to roses so that when she collects all twelves roses (one for each month of the year), she’d have a poem? This is what I think of.
I can tell you that right now, as I type this, I have a changing list of wedding attendees. I have a changing list of wedding songs. I have the colors I want and the flowers picked, and who the flower girl and ringbearer could be. I have my tuxedo picked and a few ideas for the bridal party. I have seat arrangements and itineraries. I have all the details of that day mapped out in my head, including the very many sexual texts I will send to my wife to be, letting her know that I’m free to make love and I intend to catch up for the time I spent abstinent. I even intend to add pleasuring positions to the list about my wife so that I know “that move she likes”.
Not only do I have the wedding day planned out in my head, I have the names I’d like to give to our children, both girl and boy (another two lists). I have the financial structures I’d like to have in place for their college funding, first cars, weddings, first home gifts, and so much more. Some bridges will be crossed upon arrival, but the journey ahead is so far down the road. All I can imagine is laying her to rest with gray, if not white hairs, knowing that after 40 years, I gave her my all and delivered her to Christ to the best of my ability. I get goosebumps just thinking about seeing her belly after pregnancy or being with her long enough to see a true, new wrinkle come on her face. I want to be the marriage that truly gives hope to a world filled with divorce and breakups. That is why I cannot budge for those who are not committed to the commitment, as my good friend said this past week.
These lists and these thoughts carry me and have helped me grow through the years into the husband I know I am. I didn’t make these lists for no reason. I’m not just a dreamer. I will obtain my wife, when the time is right. This hope brings a smile to my face even now as a 30-year-old single man who has never seen a second date.
Anytime I tell people about all this, their eyes glow up and they’re so ready to pray for me and encourage me. I appreciate these people. I’m not a “simp”, as simplistic men would say. I have wanted to be married to one woman for a very long time. I want the woman God wants me to love on. I want the woman Christ offers as a gift. To have and to hold, for as long as He allows me… And I know He will not let me dream in vain.
In His love,