Of all the things to be an expert in, not getting a woman is one of the last subjects I thought I’d be well-versed in. Yet, here I am, turning thirty, without once having been in a relationship. I haven’t even made it to a second date. Most would assume there’s something wrong with me. I’m too picky, too shy, too arrogant, too reserved, too… something… and I can agree. I am too picky. Of all the women I’ve dated, crushed on, or liked, only two have made me think, “Can I spend the rest of my life with this woman?” So the obvious question is: well if two caught your eye, why didn’t you pursue a relationship? Well, I’ve given you 1 of the 1,001.
Now before we begin, let me say that I’m not doing a 1,000-item list. Most of this list will be inferred. After all, you’re not going to get a woman by being a known whore. When you’re for everybody, you never truly get anybody. And you’re definitely not going to get a woman when you don’t even like women in the first place. There are exceptions, so don’t expect everything to be completely 100% accurate across the board. People are strange when it comes to what they will tolerate and who they choose to love. Let’s begin.
You’re not going to get a woman by being shy. This was a problem I had growing up. Moving around a lot created a disconnect in how to connect with people. I never stayed long enough to form a lifetime friendship. Of all the friends I met from elementary to high school, I keep in touch with one, and I haven’t seen him in a year. I’m actually surprised I still have friends from college, considering I graduated seven years ago.
I grew up in the times before cellphones, mostly. I didn’t receive my first cellphone until I was in high school, and that was a hand-me-down. Why is this important? It meant that a girl had to call my house if she wanted to talk outside of school (You know, like a girlfriend would). For a Christian mother who stressed not getting a girlfriend until we were sixteen, a girl calling the house was definitely going to get me in trouble. So I adhered to the Law of Mother and stayed in close relationship with my brothers inside the house than others outside the house. We were sheltered.
However, I, just like most boys, came to like girls. I developed a crush in second grade. She was beautiful. Here’s where the list comes in, so pay attention. When you have crushes, you build expectations. You imagine she’s going to have a beautiful character to match her beautiful smile. In this instance, she actually did, but every girl after her did not. You’re not going to get a woman if you build unrealistic or unfair expectations for her to fulfill. My first crush, however, was exactly what I hoped for. What ruined it was timing, and well… an inability to be vulnerable.
You’re not going to get a woman if you can’t be vulnerable. I learned I had a fear of opening up about my affections when my cousin told my crush that I had a crush on her without my permission. I walked through the cafeteria nervous. She had all the power. She could reject or accept me. She could confront me on why I didn’t have the courage to tell her myself. I was completely vulnerable and I hated it. Needless to say, I avoided her. Every time she laughed, it wasn’t the sound of love, but the sinister laugh of a devious girl who was making fun of me because she knew I was too shy. I hated it. I hated that whole feeling of uncertainty, so I avoided it. It was my one avenue of control. No one would know of my crushes for the rest of time.
The problem with this ideology is that you can’t get into a relationship if the girl never knows you liked her. You hear that? You’re not going to get a woman if you never let her know you like her! It’s as they say, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” By the time I reached my sophomore year, I was 0-6. Six crushes, and all of them never knew I had a crush on them. Why? Control. You’re never going to get a woman if you have to have control.
I watched as kids began getting in relationships while I just sat there, unable to tell my crush I loved her. It was sickening. I didn’t know how to cope, so I did what any lame would do. I decided to write a letter expressing how I feel. I was such a coward. Needless to say, I was 0-9.
As if things weren’t already going terrible, it got worse. After one crush turned me down, I was called into the Assistant Principal’s office for a checkup. He wanted to see how I was handling the rejection. Talk about embarrassing. Not only did I get rejected, but then the Assistant Principal knew I got rejected, and whoever he knew, knew I got rejected too. Were my teachers worried about me now? Were my coaches concerned about my mental state? How far did the news spread and how bad did I look that they would think something was wrong? Was I a creep? Was I on suicide watch or assessed as a possible threat over a girl!?
I know what you’re thinking: how did you bounce back? I didn’t. I kept all other crushes, likes, admirations, and any sign of attraction to myself. I didn’t get a date for prom. I was strictly platonic all the way to my second year of college, where I met the last of my crushes. You know, those two that I mentioned in the beginning? Yeah, this part is about them.
You’re not going to get a woman if you drag your feet in getting her. That’s exactly what I did with my second-to-last crush. She was beautiful, but so was her friend. We all had class together. I sat by them every day I could. The more we all talked, the more I decided my crush was the crush I had been looking for. I befriended her, but I had to have control, so I chose a sloooooooooowwwww pace. All of it was uncomfortable and my best friend was just starting to break me out of my shell of timidity.
I carried on with light-hearted topics and platonic hangouts for years, knowing that every time she spoke, I listened. She even complimented me on my ability to listen, and I just let her slip out of my fingers. You’re not going to get a woman if you don’t listen. I knew that, I practiced that, and I was good at it. I get to listen to the most beautiful woman speak to me? Count me in! Count me in every time! The more I got to know her, the more I wanted her. It was perfect… Until she became spotty in her contact with me.
You’re never going to get a woman if every mistake she makes bothers you. You’re never going to get a woman if you expect perfection. You’re never going to get a woman if you compare her to the general population. You’re not going to get a woman if you judge her. You’re not going to get a woman if you let society dictate how you should treat her.
One or two missed texts or unreturned phone calls and I retreated. From then on, we were just friends no matter how much I didn’t want to be just friends because that’s what I assumed she wanted. You’re not going to get a woman if you don’t communicate! Her birthday came, and I texted her happy birthday, to which she responded, “Really, Rio?” and I cowardly responded as if I didn’t know she was hinting that she wanted more than a text… You live and learn I guess. I learned, you’re not going to get a woman if you don’t catch the hints she gives you. You’re not going to get a woman if you aren’t bold. You’re not going to get a woman if you continually allow you stubbornness keep you from being open with her. Communicate!
Before she could put me in the friendzone, I friendzoned her, and if I can be honest, that is probably one of the decisions I regret in my life. You’re not going to get a woman while being petty with her. I try to live life thinking what was meant to happen is what happened, but sometimes I look back and wonder, “What if I had just stopped deciding to be shy before then rather than after?” Either way, she carried me to the last crush, and the last crush carried me from college to… well… this predicament of being 29 and seemingly eternally single. I know God said to be Christlike but I didn’t expect to be single like Christ.
The last crush came into my life right when I started thinking like that. I hated being single, which developed loneliness, which turned into depression, which turned into lust. If I couldn’t get a woman how I wanted to get her, I’d at least get her for a short while. My faith in a lifetime of love was dwindling, but oh did this last crush spark an uncontrollable flame. The flame was strong, but the walls of my heart were made of ice, and by the time you melted the ice to reach my heart, the ice turned into water and doused the flames, returning the cold and freezing all over again.
To sum up what happened there, here are a few items. You’re never going to get a woman by hesitating when it’s time to get her. You’re not going to get a woman through social media. You’re not going to get a woman if she thinks you’re a creep or internet stalker. You’re not going to get a woman if she pities you. You’re not going to get a woman with persistence. You’re not going to get a woman that doesn’t want to be gotten by you. You’re not going to get a woman if she doesn’t feel secure with you. You’re not going to get a woman if you reject her. You’re not going to get a woman if you aren’t there for her when she makes herself vulnerable for you.
I could keep going but you get it. I was pathetic. I hesitated when she first caught my eye. I tried to be friends with her on social media since I didn’t see her on campus much. I was persistent for years outside of her relationships. She finally gave me a date, which turned out to be pity. However, she did invite me over to spend the night once, but that was far too uncomfortable a situation for me. She just wanted to be held while she slept, but my walls were up so here I am: single. You’re not going to get a woman with your walls up. Be vulnerable, but be safe.
Here’s a few items my friends will probably enjoy. You’re not going to get a woman if you criticize women all the time on your social media. You’re not going to get a woman if you’re ambiguous about having a crush or not. You’re not going to get a woman if you are judgmental. You’re not going to get a woman if you belittle her. You’re not going to get a woman if you think highly of yourself. You’re not going to get a woman if you’re indecisive. You’re not going to get a woman if you don’t go out to get a woman. You’re not going to get a woman if you don’t give chances. You’re not going to get a woman (I’m out of breath) if you flirt with seemingly every woman. You’re not going to get a woman if you don’t get out of your comfort zone. You’re not going to get a woman if you’re worried about divorce. You’re not going to get a woman if you act nonchalant with her. You’re not going to get a woman if you don’t invite her out. You’re not going to get a woman without dating her.
There are thousands of reasons you can’t get a woman, and with every woman those thousands of reasons change. If you want to get a woman, adjust to her and her alone. And when I say “get a woman” I mean obtain her heart, be a centralized focus in her mind, be given her body, and be trusted with her soul by God. It is not simply dating, courting, getting engaged, marrying, or growing old with her. There are far too many stories of marriages where a spouse was never truly there for the other. There are too many stories of infidelity. To truly have a spouse is to have their commitment, love, body, concern, trust, approval, and so much more.
The best way I can describe getting someone is through John 3:16, as cliché as that can be. “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.” God took a chance on the world long before the world believed in Him. You have to take a chance on that woman you want long before she can believe in growing old with you. The question is: how much are you willing to sacrifice so that she may have eternal bliss with you? If it’s not your life, do you really want that woman?
I know who am I and how I am to sacrificially love. I had to dig up a lot of baggage to get where I am, but believe me when I say, I’ve worked very hard to become a husband, not just a man seeking to be a husband. I won’t stress. I won’t anxiously look at a clock over how “little time” I have left. I won’t get jealous of friends who’ve been married for years. I won’t grow weary in waiting.
I will celebrate love in everyone and everywhere. I will hope for love, strive for love, adjust for love, and expect love. I won’t rush love. I’ll just be ready when it shows up. I’ll be ready when the woman of my life shows up. Every item fabricated in people’s minds as to why I can’t get a woman will be silenced by every reason why my marriage lasted so long.
I’m not worried, but if you are, here’s a final item: don’t worry about the 1,001 reasons why you can’t get a woman. Instead, worry about the 1,000,001 ways you can love all women. Whether she’s your wife or not, she needs and deserves love. Treat her with respect and honor. Empower her and help her feel safe wherever she is. Not everyone is meant to be your wife, but everyone is meant to be loved… How many items do I have left? Who cares? Go love.