The List

Describing the type of woman I desire to be with oftentimes sounds like perfection in the ears of many. It’s not my intended goal, but if that’s how they feel, then that’s how they feel. I get asked, “Well what are you looking for?” whenever the subject of zero prospects comes up (which is a current situation). I made a list.

This list is over a decade old, and I’ve only used it in moments where I have to remind myself of what I truly want, or when I feel I have given too much grace and mercy to a woman. It is like a map that guides my heart (emotions) back to the basics. What I want can be simplified to this: thick, pretty, and adamant lover of Jesus Christ.

Ladies and gentlemen, please understand physical attraction plays a crucial part. Let us not remain in childhood where we think an “ugly” person is going to have such an amazing personality that we won’t be able to resist desiring them. Grow up. I’m all for being proven wrong, but I can confidently say there is not a single woman I’ve met whose personality or character has completely rendered physical appearance unimportant. If you expect me to want to have sex with you on a consistent basis for the rest of my life, even when I’m mad at you or not talking to you, then you better be packing something other than charm, morals, and a good heart.

I understand attractions fluctuate and change. Everyone is ugly to someone, and everyone is beautiful to someone. Don’t think I’m just ignoring someone because they don’t fit my physical attractions. Everyone gets a chance. After all, I’d love to be proven incorrect and find someone with astounding character or personality. However, until that day, I’m going for “thick and pretty” as defined by myself and not society. I will cultivate a love life with one woman, and I’m hoping she’s thick. As I’ve said, not one I’ve met has made me consider changing my love of thickness. And technically, I love tall girls as well... but I digress.

When it comes to “adamant lover of Jesus Christ”, I do not mean goes to church. I do not mean serves in church, goes on mission trips, or preaches on Sundays or in Bible study. I grew up in church. I am accustomed to seeing women in that role. My mother did a fantastic job being that woman for decades, and she still is today. I am not looking for a girl who goes to church. I’m looking for a woman who is the Church.

Being the Church means you are submissive to God, who is Christ Jesus, in all aspects of your life. There is not a moment when you tell God, “Sit this one out.” I don’t care if you’ve gone into a strip club that looks more like a big orgy. You don’t leave God. You constantly attempt new ways to participate in that relationship. Even in sin, you don’t leave God.

Why so intense? Ask yourself, “Which woman can stand with Tyler Perry? Which woman can stand with Joel Osteen? Who can stand with Chris Pratt, Denzel Washington, Tim Tebow, or Carrie Underwood?” With aspirations of being an outspoken Christian director, actor, writer, producer, and studio owner, I can’t just have any woman, or any Christian woman, standing with me.

“My wife” cannot be for a woman weak in faith or lackadaisical with their walk with Christ. She will be eaten alive by Christians and anti-Christians alike. She’ll also be tempted by the devil to go against what God and I are trying to accomplish. As I’ve seen, the spouse you choose can either put you in prison, or make you a president. I refuse to be careless with my choice.

That being said, here are some things from that list you might enjoy or have already guessed. I’ve split my list into five sections: What I Need from Her, What I Want from Her, What I Can Tolerate, What I Hate, and Dealbreakers. What I need from her is to be Spirit-filled as she loves God with all her heart, mind, and soul in addition to loving herself and other people. What I want from her is an appreciation and desire to be naturally beautiful, with the ability to cook and have ambition. What I can tolerate is bouts with control, manipulation, and tendency to act independent rather than interdependent. What I hate is drug addictions, argumentative personality, and laziness. Some dealbreakers are atheism, openly and actively unsupportive, and permanent stagnation in character building. The list is much longer, but you get the gist.

Before you hurry to your assumptions, I don’t hold this list up to any woman. As I said, I use it to guide myself back to the basics, if I find myself overly infatuated or complacent. I haven’t looked at that list in over a year, and I’ve had prospects comes and go without needing it. As I read it again, I find myself wanting to change the things I’ve written down, and move certain topics from one section to another. Desires change with growth, patience, and time.

The point is, the list exists, and it includes things you might not have figured men noticed. I’ve found myself paying attention to the kinds of friends she keeps and which friends get the most of her time. I’ve observed patterns in her dressing, whether she shows too much skin or uses too much makeup (in my eyes). I listen for the amount of vulgarity that pours from her mouth, as in curse words or perverse statements. I notice if we have matching spirits, like a procrastinator’s spirit. I pay attention to how she lets a love interest treat her. I study arrogance, self-pity, family, excuses, motivation, maturity, intuition, and, above all things, faith. The Bible is a magnificent judge of character, and God reveals each truth throughout life.

When I say be adamant about Christ, I mean it. What do I look like trying to fall in love with a woman who refuses to pray when things are going her way? How does it work if I’m studying the Bible and she’s studying Beyoncé? How can my friends call me a preacher or man of God when the woman I desire reflects Satan more than the Savior? Why would I willingly pursue a woman who nonchalantly gives portions of her life to Christ? If you think I’m going to willingly be involved with a woman who leads me to anything but Christ, you don’t know me.

Just as there are commandments in the Bible, there should be commandments in your love life. Thy man shalt not. Thy woman shalt not. If you think my list is bad, check out God’s list, called the Bible, or specifically, Exodus, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes. God says those who love Him obey His commandments. Shouldn’t you get to know what love looks like? Shouldn’t you make a list to see if you’ve allowed too much?

I’m not asking you to hold anyone up against a list. We all fail at some point. I’ve failed items on my list numerous times. You must know that what you expect of others must first be expected of yourself. If you can’t do what it is you’re asking of others, leave people alone. You aren’t ready for a relationship. See if you make your cut first. Then, see if your lover, potential lover, makes the cut. Make your list.

May love find you,

Dario Augustus



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