THOMAS

I’m done believing I am a catch

When so many have dropped the ball

Done believing whoever gets me will be blessed

When so many have chosen a cursed path

Done believing the world deserves little Dario’s

Like I’ve even sniffed an engagement ring

I’m tired

I wanted my wife in college

Wanted my kids in my twenties

Cousin-siblings to awesome nieces and nephews

Perhaps going to the same high school

While my wife and I plan childless vacations during school

Dreams shattered repeatedly

Fostering beliefs that I don’t get what I want

I am not Aladdin telling Genie she’s beautiful

I am not Shrek discovering Fiona’s heart

I am not Hitch finding Sara

Or Albert falling for Allegra

I am not Jason dreaming his way to Lyric

I am not Moses dancing with Zipporah

I am not Bugs getting the first kiss from Lola

I’m not even donkey flaunting the dragon

I am the beast whose last petal has fallen

Yet, they expect me to believe a dead thing can be revived

Mock me because I have to touch pierced hands

Before I believe in resurrections

Accuse me of doubting because they don’t see

How unrealistic this becomes

Thirty years of yearning rewarded with scars

The little boy in me dying with every stitch

As the lust grows violently

No longer satisfied with curiosity

Now, it fuels rage

Because I’m leaving here with something

I swear y’all lied to me

He’s a husband with no ring

A father with no offspring

A romantic reaping an empty home

A silent misery

And a black hole of a heart

Realizing the sedan I spent twenty thousand dollars on

Will never drive my children

Will not drive us to our first date

Will not witness the family being made

And neither will my grandmother, at this rate

A dream of seeing me walking down the aisle

Kneeling at her feet

And saying, “Aren’t you glad you lived long enough to see?”

I told her to live until she was 100

Expecting to see my wife by 80

A child’s dream

Shattered

Forever left to the unanswered prayers

Hoping they never transmogrify into regrets…

I don’t care if it’s her loss- their losses

A lonely man’s worthless pride

I hate needing to walk away feeling like I’ve done nothing wrong

Like I was the better half of our whole failures

As if watching them choose and suffer with the next men

Is supposed to make me boast

Getting in the gym and getting fine

Just to invoke jealousy

A stumbling block for us both

For women who will never admit they looked back

How base

How pathetic

How pointless

Why does it matter who’s to blame

When the tears still end up soaking our skin?

It still means I don’t get what I wanted…

I may actually have to go without children…

Even when I wanted them so badly…

I was told man should not live alone

Yet, together, I have felt nothing but shame

Put myself back out there

Yeah right

Aren’t you the people who believe

Doing the same thing

Over and over

While expecting a different result is insanity?

Are you telling me I have to drown in lunacy

Abandon all intellectuality

Just to get married?

Why does your encouragement enrage me so?

Thinking of another, “Hi, my name is,”

Another first

Another show

Makes we want to put a hole in

My wall

Standing higher than Jericho’s

Praying the God of the Hebrews play the trumpet

But only if my wife enters the city to find me

The difference between Rahab and Gomer

Is but a thin line

And I have that dog in me

I am defeated

Let singleness have me

Long as I never have to hope beyond my reach

And watch my heart shattered to pieces

Let my victories be celebrated amongst kin

Let my defeats keep me humble

And keep them away from me

I harbor unrighteous fury

Only the Spirit should speak for me

For words like these are devastating

How can the king hope to sing again

With vocal cords ripped by the queen’s hand?

The Novelist Dario