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Tugs at a Lonely Heart

I confess…

I confess my mind has become overprotective of my heart.

A defeated man perpetually drowning in the cesspool of disappointment.

Romance only breeding thoughts of “I don’t like you that way”

Coupled with slams upon a glass table as I weep

The dating pool always seems to have pee

And the blue ink is spreading

Frustrations so overwhelming that I’d rather throw the lot of you

Into the abyss of forgetfulness

Than deal with the aggravation that comes with heightened expectation

I have received so little from you

It seems women only want marriage with destruction

Because even if I present nothing the last man did

She will still believe I am him

Treat me as if I am him

Respond to me as if I am him

Being a good man does nothing

For a woman married to her past and present pains

I am expecting love everlasting

She is expecting a cheater, or that one day I’ll leave her…

Maybe I’m the fool.

Maybe I’m the overly optimistic romantic

Thinking of holding hands

While her mind is on possessiveness

Planning surprise picnics

While she expects wandering eyes in idle time

Embodying sincerity

While she only sees the game

All loved ones call me a good man

All she can see is another male

I am the torchbearer sent to light her furnace of hope

While my furnace has one lukewarm coal

Who gets the ember?

Every step towards her strengthens the fear in me

Am I what I accuse them of being?

Guilt rises when others speak of my future wife

Torchbearers carrying a flame for a furnace devoid of wood

Is your flame warm enough to heat metal?

Is it strong enough to burn alone?

“There needs to be more you’s in this world”

While my brothers’ kids grow too old to be kin to my children

“I can’t wait to meet my sister”

My hope crumbled beneath the pressure

“You are a husband”

Yet, I could not find my family

I am at the age where new children and older women don’t mix

How did I miss it?

How did I miss every opportunity afforded me!?

I know I’m not stupid

But God, am I stupid?

Is my picker broken beyond repair?

All whom I dare approach hurt me

While everyone I leave takes away from my peace

Heart so scrambled I can’t tell who’s my enemy

Them or me?

I met a Lewis the other day.

She stood, in unform, alerting my gaze

While the Spirit corrected me for thinking “Mrs. Officer”

The dead resurrected before my eyes

My heart beat a little faster

I might have to change its name to Lazarus

This slim thick Ms.,

Because I checked the ring finger,

Interrupted my train of thought

And for the first time in a long time,

I lingered

I was not caught up in a screen

I was captivated by beauty

With her black locs with blonde tips pinned atop her head

Her soft, but stern, eyes buried in her phone

Booty just poking

Standing like “Do you know I’m fine out here?”

She stood leagues above the average beauty

I had to take notice

It was demanded of me

I set my feet to leave

One light on its feet;

The other sinking

Discombobulated and out of sync

My heart whispered, “Make her smile like she made me.”

I walked over, tapped her on the shoulder

“Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you,

I just thought you should know

I think you’re really beautiful.”

Simple, quick, and effective

Her smile came

Her teeth revealed

She was elated

Even as I followed with “I hope you have a great day.”

I was accustomed to this.

Give a woman a reason to smile today

Let her know that what she tried to do worked

No need to get caught up in anything else

Lest she reveal her truest self and disappointment rears its ugly head

I walked away satisfied…

But, my fingers…

My fingers wouldn’t stop tapping

My heart wouldn’t stop smiling

This timidity had become foreign to me

But its aura was so familiar and inviting

My feet stopped…

I pondered. I looked back.

When was the last time I had done that?”

I didn’t know,

But for the first time in a while…

I wanted to know why

I trusted physiological responses to fade

But my mind kept replaying it.

When’s the last time my mind reviewed tape?

Were her eyes searching for more?

Was her phone a priority because her man was texting?

Would she be taller than me in heels?

Were her shoulders strong because she worked out?

Did she have a dip in that booty showing outside her uniform!?

Why is she not married?

How old was she?


Am I daydreaming?

No, wait

Yes, wait!

What is happening!? Wait! …

I’m… hooked? …

Caught in the “what if” again

Like I wasn’t just loathing the dating pool

Here I am, snagged

And by a bulletproof vest, no less

I am… lured…

“How’s the love life?”

I don’t have the heart to tell them

I lost it sometime ago

Only the Lord knows where it went

I care not to follow

I care not to search

I do care… to know why the heart strings were tugged.

Why I am six days passed complimenting a stranger

And six days into wondering if she could be found again

I have longed for a woman to pray about…

Lord… are You waiting for me by the fireplace?

Is there a flame in the furnace, my Torchbearer?


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