The one reason I can never remove myself from social media is the fear of losing the memory of your smile. Sometimes the memories just don’t do your beauty justice. If not for the dreams… I would’ve given up by now. Even to this day, I hope to see you unexpectedly. But how can it be unexpected if I’m always daydreaming about the words I’ll say if I meet you where I’m going. Am I a fool to hope that the next woman with the curly, black hair down the sides of her face looks like you? Am I really this much of a hopeless romantic?
Please, God, be right. I can look a fool all my life. As long as I stick with Him, I’ll know that the promises do manifest, even if they take over a decade... How long have we been at this? We are polar magnets trying to be close, but we only repel one another. I reach out my hand, you soften your grip. You invite me over, my feet refuse to move. Aren’t we a pair? ... I wish.
The Lord is right in withholding you from me. If our worlds collided once more, I’d pour my heart all over you, and accept the painful backlash, called baggage, that you’ve collected from all your exes. I am not them, but will gladly accept the pain you’ve stored up for them. I’d go through all that muck just to see you restored. A divorce does not define you. A failed engagement is not all there is to you. You aren’t just another number in the hashtag #metoo. All of it, even what I’ve gone through, is meant to strengthen our love when its blossom springs. Yet, you run when you should fight for your healing.
You’ve taken to the skies and visited this country and that country. You’ve hidden in your father’s house and completely disregarded the fact that I’d walk these fifty miles between us. If only I believed. Oh ye of little faith. Enough faith to believe God can heal all wounds, but unable to believe He’d call me to San Jose to you.
I miss hearing you say my name with excitement. I’d walk through the door and, “Dario!” would ring from your voice. Even if it was just kindness, it made my heart hope again. I haven’t felt butterflies since the sun shined on you in a college campus. I’ve been chasing that feeling for years… But she doesn’t smell like you, smile like you, dance like you, talk like you, eat like you, nor breathe like you. She’s lost deep in the shadows of this front you put on, as if you really don’t want love anymore. I can’t stand how you lie to yourself.
Perhaps, you are not the wife I see. Perhaps, I am just not the man to bring the desire for love out of you. Perhaps, you are nothing but a vapor, and I am tired of inhaling the excess oxygen around me just to remember the feeling of having breathed you in. I am weary of dreaming of possibilities only to be awakened by the light and truth. You are not here. You never wanted to be. God granted you your desires. I wonder why He ignored me when I asked Him to remove my desire for love. Why can’t I live in the lies I want to tell myself? Why can’t I forget your warmth, your glow, your mind, or your laughter? Why can’t I be blind too? Save me…
I’ll always love you,
Rio