I remember that day
When I texted you “Happy Birthday”
And you responded “Really?”.
I knew something was wrong
But in all my foolishness and pride,
I said,
If you weren’t woman enough to say how you felt
Then I wouldn’t be sucker enough to pry.
As if I didn’t operate in the same capacity
As I watched you sitting next to me
Every day from 10:00 to 11:30
Everything in me screaming
“Go out with me!”
Yet, my insecurities said,
“She doesn’t want someone like me.”
Now look at me
Clinging to fantasies of youth
In my old age
While you live the manifested dream in reality
Timing truly is everything.
That is why I grew distant when you asked me to spend the night.
We had only known each other for a couple of weeks,
Yet, you were so comfortable with me.
It disturbed me.
I couldn’t grow so comfortable so quickly.
Too many women being sneaky.
The majority makes the minority seem guilty,
Especially when behaving the same as you did
Dating me out of pity, rather than interest.
That is why I denied you.
Figuring I was doing us a favor by not rushing
But you ran away into the arms of a man who
Didn’t hesitate on doing what you asked.
Sure, those urges dwindled as they often do
And you found yourself divorced,
But you at least gave love a try.
What can I really say of you?
For years, I’ve felt like a fool.
Hoping for a standard no one adheres to.
I spent all that time hoping you’d convince you.
It would be hard to fit into the woman he wanted
But he would be a man for me.
Yet, here I am
Still alone and childless.
A baby being the only thing that kept you from me.
Not the words we said
Or my defiance to Godly order.
No.
Your girls were grown
And I was not old enough to give up on my own.
So, I closed the door.
A habit I am finding hard to depart.
I shut my mouth
Delete you from social media
Remove your name from the text thread
Letting time seal the tomb.
So that the next time when you reach out,
I won’t know you.
I’ll only know the things left unsaid.
The things long gone and dead.
I wanted to be good enough to convince you to have another baby
But I wasn’t.
I wanted to be good enough to no longer need your pity
But I wasn’t.
I wanted to be good enough to be more than friends
But I wasn’t.
How is it that I can be good enough to be called a good, Godly man of God,
But from the same mouth be told I am not good enough to love?
You said I was easy to love, but then walked away!
You called me a good friend, but then said I don’t like you!
You called me a good man, but then went and dated an abuser!
Do you not understand how these actions scar me!?
Each and every time, the wound is deepened
Because you saw goodness and pursued wickedness instead.
You have a man who respects you physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
But you give your body to Mr. Hit-It-And-Quit-It.
You give your heart to Mr. “I want you.”
In response to a three-page email!
Your thoughts are consumed by Mr. Ceases Communication Around His Birthday
Leaving You Wondering Who He Was Celebrating With
As he ignored you, his supposed girl.
You give your soul to boys who can’t even spell Holy Spirit.
The petty in me wants to call you a dodged bullet.
But the romantic?
Oh… he aches…
Because he would’ve loved you.
He would’ve communicated with you.
He would’ve considered you in his plans.
He would’ve prayed all over you,
Covering your foundation, elevation, and sanctification.
He would’ve sacrificed everything to make you blessed.
And yet, he’s the one watching you get screwed over and over again
By poor decisions
At your big age.
Perhaps, God was right when He said
Many people enter the wide path to destruction.
Perhaps, I am being petty from a broken heart.
Perhaps, I am angry because the good man
That is difficult to find in this world
Is still rejected.
Perhaps, I am depressed because I saw more in you
Than you ever saw in me.
I saw wedding rings, a white dress, and celebrations
I saw late nights, passionate mornings, and beautiful testimonies
I saw doctor visits, sonograms, and showers
I saw forgiving moments, heartfelt understandings, and reconciliations
I saw gray hairs, rocking chairs, and accomplishment
I saw grown kids, babysitting, and imparted wisdom.
I saw everything ahead of its time
And had it all stripped away
For men who don’t even see into next week.
You have to be kidding me.
Or maybe I’ve kid myself
Constructing paths without moving my feet
Fabricating a destiny you never wanted
Despite the conversations we’ve had.
Maybe I’m the one needing a reality check
So that I can stop working for fantasies.
Giving hours into imaginations
When the meeting minutes show I was wrong.
Whatever the maybes, this remains true.
I still think of you.
That one text, one call, one chance meeting
The romantic in me yearns for it.
Just to see your face one more time
To have one more chance with you in my arms
To feel your skin again
I have hoped. I have prayed.
And right now, I think that’s okay.
Because no one ever gave me the love you did
No one made me dream of futures as you have.
I have petitioned the Lord for no one else…
You are at least one man’s prayer in this life…
Do with that what you will.
I love you always.