Unsaid

I remember that day

When I texted you “Happy Birthday”

And you responded “Really?”.


I knew something was wrong

But in all my foolishness and pride,

I said,

If you weren’t woman enough to say how you felt

Then I wouldn’t be sucker enough to pry.

As if I didn’t operate in the same capacity

As I watched you sitting next to me

Every day from 10:00 to 11:30

Everything in me screaming

“Go out with me!”

Yet, my insecurities said,

“She doesn’t want someone like me.”


Now look at me

Clinging to fantasies of youth

In my old age

While you live the manifested dream in reality

Timing truly is everything.


That is why I grew distant when you asked me to spend the night.

We had only known each other for a couple of weeks,

Yet, you were so comfortable with me.

It disturbed me.

I couldn’t grow so comfortable so quickly.

Too many women being sneaky.

The majority makes the minority seem guilty,

Especially when behaving the same as you did

Dating me out of pity, rather than interest.


That is why I denied you.

Figuring I was doing us a favor by not rushing

But you ran away into the arms of a man who

Didn’t hesitate on doing what you asked.

Sure, those urges dwindled as they often do

And you found yourself divorced,

But you at least gave love a try.

What can I really say of you?


For years, I’ve felt like a fool.

Hoping for a standard no one adheres to.

I spent all that time hoping you’d convince you.

It would be hard to fit into the woman he wanted

But he would be a man for me.

Yet, here I am

Still alone and childless.


A baby being the only thing that kept you from me.

Not the words we said

Or my defiance to Godly order.

No.

Your girls were grown

And I was not old enough to give up on my own.

So, I closed the door.

A habit I am finding hard to depart.


I shut my mouth

Delete you from social media

Remove your name from the text thread

Letting time seal the tomb.

So that the next time when you reach out,

I won’t know you.

I’ll only know the things left unsaid.

The things long gone and dead.


I wanted to be good enough to convince you to have another baby

But I wasn’t.

I wanted to be good enough to no longer need your pity

But I wasn’t.

I wanted to be good enough to be more than friends

But I wasn’t.

How is it that I can be good enough to be called a good, Godly man of God,

But from the same mouth be told I am not good enough to love?


You said I was easy to love, but then walked away!

You called me a good friend, but then said I don’t like you!

You called me a good man, but then went and dated an abuser!


Do you not understand how these actions scar me!?

Each and every time, the wound is deepened

Because you saw goodness and pursued wickedness instead.

You have a man who respects you physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

But you give your body to Mr. Hit-It-And-Quit-It.

You give your heart to Mr. “I want you.”

In response to a three-page email!

Your thoughts are consumed by Mr. Ceases Communication Around His Birthday

Leaving You Wondering Who He Was Celebrating With

As he ignored you, his supposed girl.

You give your soul to boys who can’t even spell Holy Spirit.


The petty in me wants to call you a dodged bullet.

But the romantic?

Oh… he aches…


Because he would’ve loved you.

He would’ve communicated with you.

He would’ve considered you in his plans.

He would’ve prayed all over you,

Covering your foundation, elevation, and sanctification.

He would’ve sacrificed everything to make you blessed.

And yet, he’s the one watching you get screwed over and over again

By poor decisions

At your big age.


Perhaps, God was right when He said

Many people enter the wide path to destruction.

Perhaps, I am being petty from a broken heart.

Perhaps, I am angry because the good man

That is difficult to find in this world

Is still rejected.

Perhaps, I am depressed because I saw more in you

Than you ever saw in me.


I saw wedding rings, a white dress, and celebrations

I saw late nights, passionate mornings, and beautiful testimonies

I saw doctor visits, sonograms, and showers

I saw forgiving moments, heartfelt understandings, and reconciliations

I saw gray hairs, rocking chairs, and accomplishment

I saw grown kids, babysitting, and imparted wisdom.

I saw everything ahead of its time

And had it all stripped away

For men who don’t even see into next week.

You have to be kidding me.


Or maybe I’ve kid myself

Constructing paths without moving my feet

Fabricating a destiny you never wanted

Despite the conversations we’ve had.

Maybe I’m the one needing a reality check

So that I can stop working for fantasies.

Giving hours into imaginations

When the meeting minutes show I was wrong.


Whatever the maybes, this remains true.

I still think of you.

That one text, one call, one chance meeting

The romantic in me yearns for it.

Just to see your face one more time

To have one more chance with you in my arms

To feel your skin again

I have hoped. I have prayed.

And right now, I think that’s okay.

Because no one ever gave me the love you did

No one made me dream of futures as you have.

I have petitioned the Lord for no one else…

You are at least one man’s prayer in this life…

Do with that what you will.

I love you always.

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